Does Christian Sex Advice Promote Unhealthy Sexual Intimacy?

By Asher Witmer Relationships

In her book, The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila Wray Gregoire explores whether common Christian sex advice actually promotes healthy sexual intimacy.

Her fundamental question is, if the Christian view of sex is so right, “Why is there such a gap between male orgasm and female orgasm among Christian couples?” 

does-christian-sex-advice-promote-unhealthy-sexual-intimacy

Gregoire discovered that much of the advice offered in bestselling Christian sex and marriage books doesn’t foster healthy sexual intimacy. It actually makes things worse.

Are they correct?

What is it within these books that harms sexual intimacy within marriage? 

Suprisingly, there has recently been significant discussion around yet another Christian book on sex about to hit the market. An excerpt was shared, generating questions and warning flags. However, because I have yet to read the book in its entirety, I am not going to comment on that particular work here. We have plenty of others to dissect in the meantime.

Let’s take a look at a few of those and see if we can pick up on whether Christian sex advice promotes unhealthy sexual intimacy.

Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn

As a boy growing up, the title of this book seemed innocent enough. I never read the book, but I knew enough about my own experience that I could identify with the sentiment. However, I was oblivious to the deeply destructive message even an innocent title could embed within people’s hearts.

And the message is this: Every man struggles with lust. Every man is tempted by it and must fight hard to overcome it.

Is it true that every man faces the temptation to lust? Absolutely! So do women. 

However, the problem with this message isn’t that it’s untrue. The problem is that it centers the male struggle with lust and communicates that a woman won’t ever find someone who isn’t struggling with it. Furthermore, Arterburn offers a tip for combating a man’s battle with lust that completely dehumanizes women: bouncing your eyes.

“The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sensual things in your environment… To combat this habit, you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sensual, like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove. Let’s repeat that for emphasis: when your eyes become aware of a woman, you must train them to bounce away immediately.” 

Arterburn, Stephen; Stoeker, Fred. Every Man’s Battle, Revised and Updated 20th Anniversary Edition (pp. 117-118). The Crown Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Allowing All Men to Struggle with Lust Undermines Hope for Healthy Sexual Intimacy

When men see their battle with lust as something they will always face, and when they implement tactics like this to keep from succumbing to their lusts, they communicate to women that women don’t matter. That men deserve to live in a world where female bodies don’t exist. 

Perhaps even worse, when a woman hears this message or experiences men bouncing their eyes, she feels shame. She begins to feel like her body is the cause of “every man’s battle.” As a natural result, she isn’t going to feel overly excited about having sex. If she later dates a man, and he begins to push her boundaries sexually, she is likely to dismiss it as “every man’s battle.” Yet, she should be seeing it as a warning sign of abuse in the future.

A message like this damages sexual intimacy. As Gregoire puts it, “When we are repeatedly told by our churches and the Christian media we consume that we can’t trust our husbands, even if our husbands are trustworthy, that plants seeds of doubt.” (Gregoire, Sheila Wray. The Great Sex Rescue, (p. 87). Baker Books.)

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Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat, MD, and Gay Wheat

This book was a little more difficult for me to dissect. My wife and I found it incredibly helpful and have recommended it to others. Intended for Pleasure helped me see that sex is not about satisfying my sex drive. Rather, it’s about experiencing mutual pleasure with my wife. It gave me practical tips on how to ensure she experiences as much or more pleasure as I do. 

Nevertheless, within this book is a message that, unless properly corrected, will promote an unhealthy form of sexual intimacy.

For instance, within the first chapter, Wheat says,

“God’s viewpoint comes forth vigorously in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where the husband and wife are told they actually defraud one another when they refuse to give physical pleasure and satisfaction to their mate. The only activity that is to break regular sexual relations is prayer and fasting for some specific cause, and this is to be only by mutual consent for a very limited time.” 

Wheat, Ed; Wheat, Gay. Intended for Pleasure, (p. 21). Revell.

Healthy Sexual Intimacy Requires Healthy Boundaries

This is a good example of how subtle messages creep into Christian sex advice. First of all, at face value, it looks like an accurate reading of 1 Corinthians 7. Secondly, based on the whole message of their book, I doubt the Wheats intended to communicate this. But because they did not clarify it, people end up hearing: “Unless you’re spending time in prayer and fasting, you must never refuse sexual relations. Not even if you’re body isn’t feeling good.”

As a result, this message contributes to the perpetuation of obligation-sex, which says women are obligated to give their husbands sex. Obligation sex does not produce healthy sexual intimacy. It often serves as the basis of marital rape.

Wives ought to have the ability to tell their husbands, “Now is not a good time.” Husbands ought to honor such a boundary as an act of love and mutual submission. This is not “depriving one another,” as 1 Corinthians 7 puts it. If one spouse is regularly refusing to have sex, then we could call it “depriving.” This would point to deeper issues that need to be addressed. But 1 Corinthians 7 is not saying spouses should give sexual relations whenever their partner asks regardless of how they feel. 

To be fair, I don’t think the Wheats are even suggesting that.

They’re talking about the breaking of “regular sexual relations.” One can turn down a request for sex without breaking “regular sexual relations.” However, because there is no conversation here around healthy boundaries, this type of messaging furthers the obligation-sex narrative.

Intended for Pleasure also suggests vaginismus can be resolved with simple treatment. Yet, there are studies that show vaginismus can resist treatment. This part of the book did not really “work” for us, so I would not recommend attempting to “fix” vaginismus. Rather, spend time with each other. Get to know each others bodies and find a variety of ways to pleasure one another. That helps more than attempting to “fix” specific issues.

Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

I’ve written in the past about the problems with Love & Respect. In those pieces, I primarily addressed the notions that men “desperately need respect” and women “most desire love.” However, some of the most dangerous aspects of Dr. Eggerichs teaching lie in what he says about sex.

It begins with his concept of “hierarchy,” as taught in chapter 17. He interprets Ephesians 5:22-24 to be setting up a form of hierarchy within marriage. This presents several exegetical issues, beginning with the fact that the greater command in this passage is given to husbands. They are to love and nurture their wives so that their wives respect them. 

While a misguided notion of hierarchy within marriage is bad enough, taking it into the realm of sex can be even worse. At best, it can easily be used as a weapon for abuse. At worst, it is abusive itself.

Duty Sex Doesn’t Promote Healthy Sexual Intimacy

In chapter 21–the chapter on sex–Dr. Eggerichs says,

Our Lord understood that men are stimulated visually. Sex is in the forefront of man’s consciousness, and whenever he sees someone visually seductive, he can be stimulated. Simply put, a man is responsive to what he sees. He needs his wife’s understanding of his struggles. If he wanted to be untrue to her, he would never allude to this problem at all. A wife longs to receive her husband’s closeness, openness, and understanding. You can achieve this in two ways: (1) do your best to give him the sexual release he needs, even if on some occasions you aren’t “in the mood,” or (2) let him know you are trying to comprehend that he is tempted sexually in ways you don’t understand. As you allow him to talk about his struggles, you have all the more opportunity to be his friend as well as his lover. If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have. 

Eggerichs, Dr. Emerson. Love and   Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (p. 257). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

While this is merely an excerpt, it gives an accurate enough representation of the chapter as a whole. Eggerichs frames sex as a need men have that women do not. Not only is this biologically untrue, when placed on the foundation of hierarchy, the wife has no freedom to refuse. If their husband wants it, they must give it…even when you aren’t “in the mood.” He spends no time talking about female desire for sex and what intimacy and pleasure look like for her. The whole emphasis is on the man’s need and the wife’s responsibility to provide for that need.

Even worse, he frames it as a methadone for lust. As though a wife can make sure her husband does not cheat on her by always having sex with him. I doubt Dr. Eggerichs thinks a man’s problem with porn is the wife’s responsibility. Yet, because of how he frames this section on sex, it sure sounds as though he sees it that way. 

In short, sex is not methadone for a man’s lust. Men must deal with their lusts or else they end up using their wives.

Common Themes Among Bad Christian Sex Advice

For the sake of time, I am going to stop with these three examples. But there are certainly more within the books already mentioned, along with other problematic books. In The Great Sex Rescue, Gregoire references a survey they did of 20,000 women. They discovered the following books to be harmful as a result:

  • Sheet Music by Kevin Leman
  • The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly Lahaye
  • The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian 
  • His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
  • For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan

In my own observations, I’ve noticed a few common threads among books giving advice that hinders healthy sexual intimacy. 

First of all, they tend to talk about sex from the male perspective. 

Second, they present the male sex drive as the only one that matters in the occasion. 

Third, they suggest that giving husbands good sex is the main way of keeping them free from sexual immorality. 

Fourth, they reduce sex to intercourse. (Spoiler: it’s so much more than just having intercourse.) 

Fifth, they perpetuate the obligation-sex narrative. 

While each of these books has some good things to say, the underlying messages of what they say about sex seem to promote unhealthy sexual intimacy. 

Christian Sex Advice That Promotes HEALTHY Sexual Intimacy

Allowing all men to “struggle with lust,” giving no space for drawing boundaries within sexual intimacy, and framing sex as a need men have that women should never refuse to give sets people up for unhealthy sexual intimacy. 

These types of messages contribute to sex pain among females and the orgasm gap between men and women. It’s not even that most men think this way about sex. Rather, these messages sneak into our teachings and books and affect the way women view themselves. It affects the way we all view sex as a whole. 

In contrast, you may be wondering if there are any good books out there? Is there any Christian sex advice that promotes healthy sexual intimacy?

Yes, there are!

And if you’re struggling with lust and you’re looking for help finding freedom, I’d like to tell you my story. Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality is a memoir of my own journey. I share how I found freedom from lust and what it means to live out healthy sexuality as a man. 

Conclusion

It’s high past time we stop centering Christian sex advice around the white, heterosexual, married male experience. Sex is good and beautiful, and there are a lot of resources being made available that help us find healthy sexual intimacy. However, in order to learn from these, we must be willing to get comfortable using different language and framing the conversation in a different way than what we’ve grown accustomed to.

What books have you found helpful? What books have you found harmful? Share in the comments below.

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